The Six Stages of Acceptance

What does every parent go through when their child tells them they are gay? According to the web site for the organization Parents, Friends, and Family of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG), the reactions are very similar in each family. Most parents feel some degree of loss. Often the initial reaction is much like that of the death of a child. Many parents blame themselves and wonder what they did wrong. These are all normal reactions and chances are your child is aware that you may react this way. After receiving the news that a child is gay, most parents go through 6 stages of coping and acceptance.

The PFLAG web site is an excellent source of information for parents and children. It will enable them to better understand each other and the feelings they are experiencing. The following 6 stages of coping and acceptance are paraphrased from the information found on the PFLAG web site.

An acceptable family is one where the child receives love, commitment, and support

Unless a parent has previously expected that their child is gay, the first stage they go through when they are told is shock. This is a common reaction to any stressful situation, which allows the body to cope with the information it has received. Parents who suspect their child is gay tend to move through the shock more quickly. The average amount of time that a parent spends in shock is a few days. It is not unusual, however for this stage to last for a week or two.

The second stage , as one may expect is denial. This denial is used as a defense against news, which is unfavorable. Denial includes rejection of the news, crying, ignorance, and doubt. After my friend told his parents he was gay their response was that he just hasn't found the right girl yet. This is a normal reaction for parents to have just as it is normal for one parent to move through this stage quicker than another would.

The third stage is guilt. It is not uncommon for parents to feel that they did something wrong in raising their child. The reality is that as a parent of a gay child, you did nothing to make them this way. You also should not ask or expect your child to blame you. There is nothing anyone can do to change the sexual orientation of a person. It is important to accept them and support them rather than feel guilty.

Stage 4 is expressing your feelings. It is during this stage that it will be common to feel hurt. You may come to the realization that you won't have any grandchildren, that your daughter or son will never get married, or you may feel fear that your child will live in a world of discrimination. These are common thoughts and feelings to have but it is important to keep the lines of communication open with your child and to seek a support group such as PFLAG at this stage. Support groups are an excellent opportunity to speak with others who are feeling the same as you and who have moved on to further stages.

Making decisions is stage 5 . Just as the title indicates, it is at this time that parents make a decision to support their child and their lifestyle or to no longer discuss the lifestyle of the child. Obviously, both decisions will have valid reasons but it is important to remember that your child is still the same person. They need your love and support, not for you to condemn their homosexuality. They confided in you an enormous secret that they have carried around for a long time not to hurt you but because they were looking for support and love.

The final stage is acceptance. This stage is not easy to attain, but is a huge step when you do attain this goal. Acceptance means that you have dealt with all the homophobic issues you may have, you accept your child and their lifestyle, and you love and support your child unconditionally. It takes a long journey to get there, but when you reach stage 6, you will find the relationship you have with your child will be stronger than ever.

Dealing with the news that your child is gay is not easy. It is important to seek out counseling and to educate yourself about homosexuality. Your child needs your love and support no matter if they are gay or straight. They didn't choose this lifestyle to hurt you, but rather for the same reasons you chose to be heterosexual – because it is what feels right and makes you happy.