She says I do not love her because we do not have sex every day

&

I still have feelings

for my ex

 

Ask Alice

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Dear Alice,

Your advice would be very appreciated.  I have been with my girlfriend for almost a year and she is everything I have ever wanted in a woman.  Classy, very beautiful and ultra femme. The only thing is she is the ultimate bottom.  I am the ultimate top, but that doesn't mean I do not want to get off, as well. Whenever we make love, it is I who make love to her, she has not once reciprocated and when I have told her what I would like she looks at me like I am from another planet and refuses to take care of me.  She says that is her way and that is why she choose a Daddy (I am a proud stone butch).  She also thinks it is gross that I masturbate, so I am virtually orgasmless.

This has not been the first time I have had this problem with one of my girlfriends. I often pick the most beautiful women, but they often are dudds in bed.  How can I get my girlfriend to reciprocate when she refuses?

Sexually Frustrated, but hopelessly in love!

Dear Sexually Frustrated,

Your Pillow Princess is very selfish, no doubt.  If all your Princess wants is to be serviced there are things for that.... they are called DILDO'S (She can find a wide assortment on LBO's shopping pages, I am sure)! 

My suggestion would be to first talk to her seriously about your frustrations and let her know how serious this issue is for you. It sounds like this will eventually be a deal breaker and she should fully know whats coming if her selfish excuses continue.

I am betting that she has been used to being the only partner satisfied in her relationships and she may very well be set in her ways. If not, great! But never expect someone to change.... decide what you can live with and what you can live without and for Pete's sake, screen your women more selectively in the future.  You should have known that she is not a giver sexually long before you invested so much time in her!  Choose more wisely, my friend!

 

Dear Alice,

All this said, your advice is very hard to swallow given how I feel for this woman. And it probably doesn't help that she is my first... I've dated men for the past 13 years but have been a little more fond of women my entire life than I would have cared to admit to my Southern Baptist family... My questions for you are, how do you truly know if you are a lesbian (thus my bi-sexual comment)? Is it a matter of time for figuring it out? .. ... Does this uncertainty contribute to my longing for a woman that is living with someone else because she is my first? And, if I should let her go, how do I do it???

-Questioning-

Dear Questioning,

Hymn..

Before I go off on my philosophy on sexuality and identifying ourselves.... let me tell you that the lucky thing for you is, that you really do not have to figure it out. You should not rush into putting yourself into any category wether it be straight, gay or bisexual.  Just go with what feels natural to you at the time. Eventually you may come to realize that your natural impulses point you more in the direction of one sex over the other. Does that mean you can't enjoy a relationship with the other sex ever again? No way.

I know that my fellow sisters often dismiss bi-sexual women, or perhaps have had bad experiences with bi-sexual women and they may completely disagree.  They see bi-sexual women as promiscuous and unsure. That is too bad for them. What really is most important here and should be most important in any relationship is honesty and most often monogamy.  When you are in a relationship are you monogamous? That should be what really matters.

As far as if you should break it off with this woman, that is up to you.  I know your heart may be misguiding you and I never ever indorse cheaters so if she is still with this other woman, you are doing yourself a disservice by allowing her to have you on a string. 

My break up advice is simple. Talk to her from your heart, with honesty, respect and compassion and NEVER allow anyone to not treat you with the same respect.

Good Luck,

 

Dear Alice,

I have been with the same wonderful woman for almost five years now.  She is 13 years older then me and while I was not initially attracted to her, she always treated me like a goddess and I eventually fell in love with her.  Here is the thing, I have been OUT of love with her for now four of those five years. The thought of having sex with her grosses me out, (we haven't had sex in like 4 years) and I love her more like a big sister. When I have told her how I feel she starts to cry and get hysterical, she tells me to take a break, date other people then come back home to her (I have had several affairs, but always feel horrible... she is always crushed).  I have tried to leave her three times and for financial reasons have come back to live with her. Its hard she takes good care of me. The last time I left her she attempted to commit suicide. She either cries or completely ignores what I have said. So, I live this passionless life and for years have resigned to the fact, but occasionally I get restless and want more out of life.  Alice, how can I leave her without her killing herself?

Isolated

Dear Isolated

Isolated?  You should change your MO to Captive, because that is what you are.  This is a familiar story to me as I am sure it will ring many bells. She is holding you captive my dear, with your own guilt and dependence and she herself has a very serious co-dependent problem. It is not as much about you as it is about herself. 

But you are absolutely not off the hook here, deary.  You are doing much more

harm to her than good to her. By falling back into patterns with her and allowing her threats of causing harm to herself or guilting you by crying, you are reiterating to her that this behavior simply..... works.

What she does to herself is not and cannot fall on your shoulders. That is not your burden to bare. It is not about you and is much more about her mental state.

What I see here is that you my dear, must learn how to stand on your own two feet and take care of yourself. Get out of your own patterns which have enabled you to be dependent. Once you leave, do so with respect and honesty and do so, for good. It is obvious that for a time you simply should not communicate with her and not see her at all, until you are positive that she is completely over from you and independent of you. It may take years. I know that you have years with this person and it will feel natural to go back and at least try to be friends but understand that it is not in her best interest for her to get over you.

Does she have friends? If she threatens to hurt herself you must put your foot down and let her know you will not take responsibility in that and will not let her manipulate you with threats real or not.  Perhaps, suggest to her that you will have to call mental health care officials, her friends or family and not to contact you anymore with threats.

At this point you have to get this under control and start living your own life as happily as you can! You owe it to yourself and believe it or not, her!