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Dearest
Alice,
I
am new to internet dating and have met some strange birds
but have of recent met a woman I like. Here's my dilemma:
(I feel a little foolish asking) in the past 2 months we
have gone out 5 times...every time but this last time was
a simple day time meeting. The last date was an evening
affair (movie and then a gay bar) and she didn't talk much
to me but looked scared. At the bar I asked her if she was
afraid and she said yes because she hasn't dated many women
(she's in her 40's) and then preceded to tell me that she
is still responding to many other online ads and meeting
lots of weirdo's.
I felt weird hearing her say that because well weren't we
on a date? It was our 5th "date" and I had previously told
her I like her and she responded in kind. So is it me who
is out of step with the whole internet dating thing and
not knowing that when people do this they keep their options
open for a while? I didn't say anything to her but I just
felt weird and there has been no physical contact between
us at all. I don't mind going slow it's just I don't know...I
felt that by her sitting there after the movie while we're
sharing a drink that she is meeting lots of other dates
through the internet, that she was telling me no dice.
Any advice? Thanks
Lupina
Dear
Lupina,
Online
dating can be such a wonderful way to meet the woman of
your dreams, if you screen well. My first suggestion
is to get to know them over a few phone dates. You
may be able to hear it in their voice if they have been
untruthful or if they are a "strange bird".
My
thoughts on your dilemma with this woman is that you are
right on the money when you say that she may be trying to
tell you "no dice" on anything serious.
Unless she is totally inept at dating I cannot imagine that
if she were truly into you she would bring up that she is
still dating others. But we all know that assuming how another
person feels or is thinking is not always accurate. That
being said, you should ask her.
You
do not have to stick your neck out and profess your profound
love to get to the bottom of things and luckily you have
not vested too much time. Simply ask how she feels about
dating you, if she feels it's more of a friendly meeting
or perhaps more. If that seems too awkward for you, you
may want to consider asking her what she is looking for
that she has not found in her online experiences.
Good
luck Lupina, the right girl is out there but you may have
to look a little harder throw that haystack!
Alice
Dear
Alice,
Please
help! I have been with the same woman for going on
ten years and for the most part we have a great relationship
except for this one problem which is at times one BIG problem
to me. She is in the closet and the doors are bolted
shut. She has no intention of coming out of the closet,
introduces me to her family, other friends, co-workers or
anyone as her friend and even on a vacation when some tourist
remarked how close we are she replied that we are cousins!
Cousins!
I
am at my wits end and I do not want to force her out of
the closet, but am sick and tired of her shame!
Sick
and Tired
Dear
Sick and Tired,
I
do not blame you one bit. I have very little tolerence
for fakes, phonies and liars. I have no idea how you
have tolerated her to belittle your relationship for so
long. Yes, everyone does take their own time coming
out and no one should ever force that on anyone, but it
sounds like through her own fear and shame that she has
almost forced you into the closet.
We
cannot change the world and the world's views of us from
within a closet.
Decide
what is important to you and make a decision. Not on changing
her but on changing yourself. If that includes keeping
her in your life than perhaps you should lay down the law
and a few respectful rules on how you will allow her to
represent you as an individual. "Yes, I am her
friend. I am her gay friend!". She doesn't have to
come bolting out of the closet but she should not represent
you as something you are not.
If
that is something she cannot handle a long hard look at
being true to yourself is in order!
Good
Luck,
Alice
