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Dear
Alice
For
the longest time I kept telling myself I was bi. then one
day i finally was able to admit I'm a lesbian, and it really
feels great. I love my lifestyle, and I'm happy and content
with it. Everyone pretty much knows, they all say I make
it so obvious. And I'm out to pretty much everyone, even
new people i meet....but the only people i cant tell is
my own family. But the thing is I'm sure they pretty much
know. Like I said its obvious. but they treat me horribly,
and they ignore me, or put me down, or blame me for things,
yell at me, tease me. I live with my parents and my 2 brothers. And
I really think they hate me and I'm pretty sure it might
be because of my sexuality. but they are so mean to me,
and it really hurts me. and what else bothers me is in my
own house i have to hide who i am. I cant express myself,
and be who I want. it's killing me. And one day I wanna
marry a woman, and have a wedding and stuff. but I know
if i decide to finally say something things will only get
worse for me. What can i do?
signed,
Utterally
confused
Hello
there Utterly Confused,
Actually
it does not seem like you are confused at all. You
know who you are and seem very satisfied with your personal
revelation. Congratulations! Normally I tell
my readers to of course come out to your family and tell
them who you are, but not in your case. WAIT. Mom
and Dad should know who you are and love you unconditionally,
however if things are truly as bad as you say they are,
it is unneccessary to inflict yourself with their personal
turmoil about morality. Unfortunately, at this time
you rely on them for your very existence and it would be
horrible for them to come apart on you now. there just is
no need. Wait until you are off to college or out
on your own when what they have to say will not torment
you each and every hour of the day.
Keep
in mind that we are born into families in which we have
no choices, but luckily, later in life when we break out
on our own, we do choose the people in our lives whom will
become our family and our future. If our immedaite
families are fantastic they come right along, but YES, later
in life we do have a choice to include or disclude the people
we hold dearest and are closest to.
Good
luck,
Alice
Dear
Alice,
Today would have been the second year anniversary for my
ex and I. We broke up several months ago. She is now with
someone new and so am I, However I cant seem to get over
her. We broke up in November of last year and I was devastated
by it all. I thought things were good and she never said
they weren't. I was still in love with her. After our break
up I called her some very mean and hurtful names, more than
once. Knowing it would hurt her. I have since tried to say
im sorry but she is not talking to me. We use to work together
and that was hard. I no longer work for the company and
she has moved to another town. I still think of her. It
seems that every thing I do every place I go makes me think
of her. I know she has moved on, why cant I? I felt like
she was the one. I was going to ask her to marry me. I wanted
to spend the rest of my life with her. It seems she has
moved on so quickly. I hear she has moved in with her new
girlfriend, which hurts me even more as we were together
a year and a half. It wasn't until we had been together
a year when I finally got her to move in with me. I miss
her so much I don't know what to do. She says I don't really
love her its just obsession. When we worked together I tried
over and over to get her to talk to me by sending e-mails,
which has since gotten me fired. She said she felt like
she was being harassed. She said I betrayed her. She still
has yet to tell me how I betrayed her. She
was my best friend and I hurt her deeply by the things I
said. I feel bad for that. I have finally decided not to
contact her any more but I need to know how do you get past
the hurt? I don't feel like im obsessed with her. I loved
her more than anyone in my life. I loved her my whole life
and now she is gone. Moving on with life with a new girl
and my life just seems to stand still. I shared everything
with her. My hopes and dreams. My fears and dark secrets.
People say get over it. break ups happen all the time. To
me that is the problem they do happen all the time. Why
not work on the things that are bad? Love eachother and
work through them. What do I do? How do I get over the best
thing that ever happened to me?
Gotta
get over it
Dear
Gotta Get Over It,
UGH,
this breaks my heart and reminds me of a time in my own
life years ago.
Time,
my Dear, only time. There is no instant
enlightening advice, no magic pills, books to read or potions
to take. It is going to take time. But you can make
things better on yourself by emerging yourself in friends,
fun and good times. Keep yourself busy
and refrain from contacting her. When you think about
her consciously try to distract yourself, over and over
again. In time you will find that you haven't thought
about her in quite a while.
I
know that most of us have had at least one bad break up
like this where we thought we might NEVER get over it, but
most certainly you will. Obviously you were both not
on the same page, no matter how much you try to rationalize
her behavior at this point. Let her go.
Unfortunately,
you have to realize that one thing at this piont.... that
it is over. Many women seem to get into a "proving
my love and loyalty to you", showing her that "I
am the only one who will stick by and be right there for
her" thus being a doormat. Trust me that behavior is
a complete turn off not only to her but by everyone around
you. You will not win anything here. Do yourself a big favor
and do not hold yourself captive in your loyalty and undieing
love for her. That is co-dependant and unhealthy.
Now,
as far as the mean things that you have done and said, YIKES!
Stop that now! I know that you are hurt and are lashing
out, but in the process, what friendship you could have
salvaged with this woman has been permanently damaged by
your reactions and in the long run have caused you more
pain than it was worth. Hold you head up high and treat
yourself with respect. Being nasty is like throwing
a temper tantrum when you do not get your way and it is
very undignified. Naturally she would try to distance
herself from your pain and your backlash on her. Can you
blame her? It is like petting a dog that loves you,
but is known to turn on you and bite.
Here
is the thing for you, I promise you, there will be a day
when you look back and the pain is only a shameful memory.
I believe whole heartedly, this is some sort of lesson that
you had to learn. Hopefully you will have learned, and will
not go through this again, hopefully you will avoid some
characteristics in women you date in the future or perhaps,
you will have at least learned how to handle the disappointment
of a break up without letting it overwhelm you.
I
do feel for you, and my heart goes out to you, I know it
is not easy.
Sincerely,
Alice
P.S.
You are not being fair to you new girlfriend. She
is a rebound girl and doesn't deserve to not be 100% your
girlfriend. Take a break until you have moved on.
