I don’t even know why I am doing this but I’m really confused about my current relationship. It’s going on about 7 months and we just recently moved in-together. When I met my current girlfriend, everything kind of just fell in place because I was finally at a place in my life that I wanted something more than just “fun”. In the beginning I noticed things that were potential issues but I thought we could work around them because I was swept up in my feelings for her but one of the big issues being finances and her lack of being able to keep a job for long periods of time, or even a job at all. Tthen other opposites of ours began popping up over the months like different views on life in general, morals, etc and now it’s gotten to a point that I can’t take it anymore. I’ve tried talking to her about these “issues” I see and have, but she thinks love can conquer anything and we can work things out. And now that we are living together and I see things in my face on a daily basis, I can’t handle it and have felt myself pull away from her drastically physically and emotionally. I look at her and just see a friend at times and other times, see all the things I don’t like about her.

 

When I’ve talked to her about my feelings and thoughts on issues that I see, she claims she wants to make the changes she needs to, but I don’t want her making them just for me and I’ve told her this and also, she’s known for saying one thing but doing the opposite so I’ve lost faith in her “word”. My biggest issue is she is 25 yrs old and goes about life like a teenager would and bottom line is, I’m tired of feeling like a babysitter. I love her and it hurts thinking about her not being in my life, but at the same time I’m beyond fed up by her “way of life” because I am a very independent woman and very career-oriented and feel that I want and need someone who is more on my level of thinking and behavior. I guess my question to you is: from what I just told you, do you think this relationship is worth sticking it out or a lost cause? And if it is a lost cause, how do I separate my feelings for her from my needs to do what I have to do for myself? Because I know I’ve let my worry about where she’ll go if we break up stop me from doing anything.

 

Any advice you can offer will be greatly appreciated at this point. I think I just need an outsider’s opinion rather than those in my everyday life.

(Edited by LBO)

Kristin

Hi Kristin,

I don't think you are confused at all, I think you are just not ready.

Let's address the big issue, you are two very different people and while she may be one way, you may be another.  The question is, are you TOO different in area's that are vital in your combined paths of building your lives together?  It sounds like you already know the answer is YES, you are too different.  Keep in mind that you are never going to find someone who is exactly like you, but it is important that what you love in this person, should by far out weigh, what you do not like about this person.

You are NOT going to change her either, she can only change herself, and you can have no expectations of her changing, regardless of her promises, she cannot help who she is.  This IS what you can count on getting.

On one hand you say you love her, on the other you say you don't like her or you think of her as just a friend and that is troubling.  So you need to get to the bottom of, how do you really feel about her?   It is important to KNOW that you love this person. If there are ANY questions to wether you love her or not, that is not good.

I can address the fact that she is not working, is irresponsible but it really is irrelevent. However that said, based on what you have told me here, I do not think you are being too harsh at all.

Good luck,

Alice