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Written by
a Molly McKay
"reprinted from the Bay Area Reporter 12.18.03"
"If
I read one more article on "gay" marriage."
By
Molly McKay and her wife, Davina Kotulski. McKay is
Co-Executive Director, of Marriage Equality California,
an all- volunteer grassroots organization dedicated
to securing civil marriage for same-sex couples by taking
local action to raise awareness and educate fair minded
non-gay California . Kotulski is the author of "Why
You should Give A Damn About Gay Marriage," available
soon from Allyson Publications.
As one of many activists who have been
fighting for years to secure civil marriage rights for
same sex couples, I can hardly believe the visibility
this issue is finally getting within the non-gay community.
Forget football, America 's new favorite pass time is
voting in on-line internet polls about whether gay people
should be permitted entry into the institution of marriage.
The
number of "gay" weddings one has attended
is now a sign of social status discussed at non-gay
cocktail parties. Your non-gay friends and families
are bombarding your email account with supportive articles
they have forwarded to you and you have no more room
on the fridge for any more clippings. The informal gay-straight
alliance movement is in full swing and we see the weight
of public opinion finally tilting our way.
A
large number of non-gay Americans have enthusiastically
swept gay people off their feet and stand positioned
to carry us across the threshold into our dream home
of full citizenship. Many believe that we will "Fab-Five"
the dreary institution with new window treatments and
a snappy new accent color that will give a whole new
look to commitment for just pennies on the dollar. But,
are the majority of voters truly ready to fulfill on
its promise, or will they get cold-feet, step backwards,
claim not to be ready and ask if we wouldn't rather
just continue to live together a bit longer to be sure
we are all ready for this new commitment to one another?
Perhaps, since gays are new to this whole "respect
and equality thing" they won't notice if we give
them a cubic zirconium otherwise known as "civil
unions" or "domestic partnership" and
a long engagement rather than genuine equality now.
There
are also still some in the gay community dragging their
feet on the marriage issue. Some equate the "gay
lifestyle" with freedom from traditional institutions
like the military and marriage; some are still not comfortable
with the implications of community property and divorce
court despite 10 years of living together. I have heard
comments that this is just the "good gays"
wanting the white picket fences and happily evers that
"real queers" should sneer at. I've had friends
complain that their mothers have caught wind of the
reality that being gay no longer forecloses grandchildren
and are now publicly campaigning for their partners
to consider adopting children. The non-gay community
isn't the only community undergoing a "cultural
war" on same-sex marriage.
The
Lawrence decision was a litmus test indicating the community's
coming of age within the larger community over the past
two decades. In 1986, the Supreme Court opined that
homosexual conduct and family were two totally different
things. Since the time of that decision, we have stepped
out proclaiming who we are at work, in our neighborhoods,
and in our own families. We have graduated from having
"lovers" and perennial "boy/girlfriends"
to having "partners" and sometimes even "un-lawfully
wedded spouses." First lesbians and then gay men
began to embrace parenthood instead of assuming that
their sexual orientation would forever bar that possibility.
The holding of Lawrence striking down sodomy laws because
it "demeans and stigmatizes" gay people held
the promise of a new day, which was fulfilled just 5
months later with the Massachusetts marriage decision.
What's
in store for 2004? The final battle is here. Like it
or not, ready or not, the time is NOW. The Massachusetts
marriage decision is different than its precursors in
Hawaii and Alaska, in part because its state Constitution
cannot be amended until after the deadline imposed by
the court to start handing out marriage licenses, but
also due in part to the change in non-gay attitudes
following marriage in Canada, the historic civil rights
tone of the Lawrence decision, Will & Grace, and
supportive Democratic Presidential candidates.
The
Conservatives, after losing out on interracial marriage,
no-fault divorce, birth control, and abortion, have
now declared that continuing the heterosexual-only policy
on civil marriage licenses is the final stand against
the Apocalypse. (Deep sigh.and they call us drama queens.)
The proposed Federal Denial of Marriage Amendment is
the red button being pushed by panicked and desperate
Religious zealots to pull the plug on marriage for same-sex
couples. The zealots see the tsunami of the sea change
on opinion about "homosexuals" and are trying
to "gag" the local and state political processes
to prevent any further gains. The good news is that
it is most likely not going to work, President Bush's
coerced support notwithstanding. Legislators are beginning
to sense that this is no longer an issue that is going
to win them more votes than it loses. And many of them
don't want to be on the "wrong" side of history.
2004
Democratic Presidential candidates, secure in the belief
that having a policy of anti-discrimination against
gays and lesbians while "holding firm" against
marriage equality was a viable option, are now scrambling
to hold on to the quicksand of this untenable middle
position. The Massachusetts decision has crystallized
the issue down to "you are either with us, or you
are against us." You either support full equality,
or you stand against full equality for gay, lesbian,
bisexual and transgendered persons.
What
can we do to push the boulder over that last hurdle
and get it to roll down the other side crushing the
mantle of legalized homophobia in employment, housing,
military service and marriage? There are several easy
steps. First, do not compromise in your own language
and conversations with non-gay people. If you aren't
comfortable referring to your significant other as your
spouse, how on earth do you imagine that non-gay people
will be comfortable about it? Stop saying "my domestic
partner" and start saying "spouse." So
what if it is not yet legally accurate - what is the
harm? It is better to have non-gay people comfortable
with the concept than armed to win a trivia bowl about
the number of rights that come with domestic partnerships.
If you are doing your job, you will also be having them
send letters to their Congress people telling them to
vote against the Denial of Marriage Amendment.
Second,
don't sell the rest of us out. No, domestic partnerships
are not enough, neither are civil unions. No. civil
marriage is NOT a religious issue, it is a state sponsored
contract that affords heterosexual couples access to
hundreds of state rights and over a thousand federal
rights - from things as mundane as cheaper car insurance
rates to whether you can get $1800 a month from your
spouse's social security at age 65 or will end up with
nothing from the federal government. Moreover, permitting
us to be defined out of civil marriage using the U.S.
Constitution violates the religious freedoms of churches
and synagogues that do permit us to be religiously married
within their congregations now. The proposed Amendment
threatens to undo the separation of church and state,
a core value that has permitted our country to flourish.
Hold
fast to discussing marriage at the family holiday gathering,
be gentle or be firm, whatever your style, but don't
give any ground on this issue even if it means Mom cheating
you out of a second helping of her jello surprise in
retaliation for telling Uncle Bubba that you and Sally
are planning a May wedding in Massachusetts. Bring your
fianc?r spouse home for the holiday and gently correct
the relatives when they refer to him/her as your "friend"
or "roommate," they usually don't mean to
hurt your feelings, they just don't know any better
until you help them with the words you prefer. There
is nothing more gratifying than over-hearing your family
start using the terms of family like "his husband,"
"my brother and "brother in law" "my
uncles" "my sons."
Finally,
get engaged with all non-gay people. Talk about marriage
with your neighbors, family, co-workers, and grocery
clerk. Get them to donate money, time, and letters to
the cause. Most non-gay people understand that this
is a civil rights issue and they want to be included,
so give them that chance. Was the fight against racial
inequality solely a person of color issue? Right, so
asking non-gay people to help is not a burden, it is
an opportunity for them to have a hand in making history.
Go to www.marriageequalityca.org
and download
the Marriage Questionnaire and make a donation to Marriage
Equality California in lieu of a wedding gift or Christmas
present while you are at it (it's tax deductible for
heaven's sake.) Ask the non-gay people in your life
to interview other non-gay people on their views about
marriage for same-sex couples. We will use their data
in our media campaigns and your friends will be able
to help further the movement in a simple action.
It
is time for us to click our ruby slippers and admit
that there is no place like home. Sure living in Oz
and following the endless yellow brick road to equality
has taught us a lot about the importance of being our
true selves, what ever the cost. But, after we defeat
the Wicked Witch of the Religious Right by defeating
the Federal Marriage Amendment Act in 2004, it will
be time to return to that place at the end of the rainbow
where we are treated just like everyone else with all
the rights, benefits and burdens that come with full
adulthood. However, let's just be sure we bring the
Technicolor fabulousness we have created within our
gay community back with us to share with the non-gays.
The
lesson we have to share with our fellow citizens is
that diversity is not to be feared, but embraced. According
to the 2000 U.S. Census, 1 in 10 same-sex couples are
in interracial relationships, compared with 1 in 18
in opposite sex couples. The GLBT community has broken
free from the chains of gender jail and can teach our
non-gay brothers and sisters to embrace the unique blend
of both the masculine and feminine within themselves
and others. We can bring a peace, freedom and wholeness
of being to the non-gay world in exchange for entry
into full legal recognition and protection of who we
are and who we love. From my perspective, it is an exchange
between equals that mutually benefits both cultures.
It is time to sit down and break that bread together
so that in 2004, we have the allies in place, ready
to go to war with us on the issue of full marriage equality
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