March 2004
Marcie
Redburn
'I
would never date someone from the internet", "Only
weirdo's and ugly women date online", "Never"...
are famous last words of many women whom have successfully
dated online. I too was once a doubter, but after
one particular night of hopeless discouraging bar hopping
I thought I would give it a try. Hey, I wasn't a weirdo,
I thought. Maybe there are great women online looking
for the same things I am looking for. And to my amazement
there were!
Online
dating is so successful for a reason. Many beautiful
relationships have begun online and no longer is online
dating considered extreme or for the unwanted. Of course,
just like any dating scenario, there are women with whom
you will meet that things just do not click or whom are
just not what you anticipated. There's a few do's and don'ts
that have to be applied to your newfound love quest.
First
you must know how to write an online personal ad!
1.
Know what qualities you are looking for in a partner and
ask for them in your ad.
Think about what is really important to you in a partner.
These are the same qualities you find really important in
friends.
2.
Do not list qualities you do not want in a partner.
Ads listing unwelcome qualities sound negative and often
angry and turn people off. You are more likely to get a
response from someone with a chip on their shoulder! You
can screen people for qualities you do not want once you
speak to or correspond with them.
3.
Know what qualities you bring to the relationship and list
them in your ad.
Think about what makes you, you. These are the same qualities
your friends find appealing about you.
4.
Mention any hobby, passion or activity that occupies a large
amount of your time. If there is something you
either love to do or spend a lot of time doing, mention
it in a description of yourself. It is obviously important
to you and part of what defines who you are.
5.
Be honest about who you are, and what you want and do not
play games.
If you are afraid to write an ad that is too personal for
fear of attracting no one, see if you can try it anyway.
The more honest you are, the more likely you are to attract
whom you actually want.
6.
Refrain from making your ad too sexual, unless you are looking
for sexual liaisons only. If you are looking for
a relationship and not just sex, leave the sex out and tone
down the physical descriptions in your ad. Otherwise you
will be attracting people who are more interested in sex
than in a relationship.
7.
Know what kind of a relationship you want and list some
of the highlights in your ad. Whether you
want a relationship with lots of laughter and fun, or one
where deep conversations last into the night, etc., put
some of this in your ad.
8.
Write the ad in your conversational style. Refrain
from using dazzling words or a lighthearted tone, unless
that is your natural inclination. Write the ad in a style
that most naturally resembles your spoken word, not in a
style in which you think you should write.
9.
Get your closest friends to read your ad to determine whether
it describes you and the relationship/partner you are looking
for. Our friends often know us better than
we know ourselves -- trust their opinion if they tell you
to rewrite your ad. You are more likely to end up attracting
people you feel good dating.
10.
Go slow when people show interest. When
someone answers your ad and sounds like the kind of person
you are looking for, still take time to get to know him
or her. You don't really know someone until you spend a
significant amount of time together in person.
Now,
the Rules of Engagement!
Do
- Online
dating sites are the most fabulous places to meet other
single ladies, but not the only place! Online chat
groups are wonderful online communities in which to find
a mate with mutual interests. If you are into soap operas,
motto cross bike racing, hiking, dogs or vegetarian... join
those groups in which you will immediately have coming interests!
Don't
- Be Surprised If You Get What You Give. If you
portray yourself as a sex kitten or top daddy in a hot single
lesbian chat room, don't be surprised when you get jumped
online by women who don't want much more than sex or service.
After all, that's what you asked for, isn't it?
Do
-
Be Honest. While it's fun to pretend that you're actually
slim and an athlete while you're not; eventually the truth
will come out and your relationship will begin with a lie.
It's easier to be honest at the beginning of a relationship
than to explain how you put on fifty pounds in the two hours
you spent traveling to get together.
Don't
- Rush Into Things. Hey, the hot and heavy fun of the online
world has many hearts, the truth is that you don't really
know this person until you meet them. And while she might
be the same in person, there's always a chance that things
might be a bit different - give your relationship time to
flourish and to grow over weeks and months before you decide
that she is the only one for you!
Do
- Insist on talking over the phone before you meet. Online
chats and erotic e-mails are fine, but the truth is that
anyone can be writing those words. Rosie the toothless cook
could be chatting up with you as she is slinging up hash
in a sweaty kitchen for all you know! Or even worse, some
perverted man with a sexual agenda of his own. You have
to give and get phone numbers and do that verbal thing before
you meet to decide if you do want to continue this relationship
beyond just the written word.
Too
many times people have fallen in love with the writer and
discover to their dismay that she is really a he or that
two years is actually twenty. To say nothing of the possibility
that one of you is married or has a partner. A phone call
is necessary to break the ice even further and to really
get to know the person before you spend your life savings
going to meet them in an airport. Make that many phone calls,
with both parties participating. Not only is it wise to
share the finances, it's a way of checking on your new love
- she can say that she's divorced with children or has a
girlfriend at home and all, but if a strange woman answers
the phone and announces that she's her wife, you might want
to sell those plane tickets fast.
Don't
- Meet In A Public Place. Yes, this seems like common sense,
but trust me, many online (sexual) liaisons have begun with
some horny girl online saying "meet my at my apartment".
While it's romantic to say that you'll meet at her house
or hotel; it's downright dangerous.
Your
first meeting should be in a public place so that if you
feel pressured in any way, you have an escape route. If
you are traveling to meet this person it may be wise to
book a hotel or plan on staying there while you get to know
this potential partner. Have an alternative way home if
you can and an alternative place to stay if you are in a
strange city. Don't put yourself in the position of being
trapped in a situation you're uncomfortable with because
you don't know where to go. Have enough cash on hand that
if the cozy rendezvous doesn't work out, you're not sleeping
in the airport until your flight out in three days. Play
it safe and be prepared for all eventualities, especially
in this age of increased violence.
Do
-
Tell People Where You Are. Tell your best friend, your workmates,
even your mother if you feel secure enough - but tell someone
where you're going; where you're staying and when you'll
be back. It's a good idea as well to promise to call at
least once during your trip to reassure whoever your contact
is that you're fine and happy at this point in your trip.
While it might be embarrassing to admit to a friend that
you're going to fly to a strange city or go to a strange
bar to meet an online friend, he/she will feel much worse
if they have to identify your body in a hospital morgue
if something happens to you. Be smart and leave a trail
behind you and let your online person know that you are
expected to check in and if you don't, people will be looking
for you. If you're staying at a hotel, give the information
to your friend as well and have THEM call YOU to check if
you fail to make your call. Don't be afraid to ask the hotel
management to keep your name private and for them to help
you if the situation turns bad and you just want to be left
alone for the duration of the trip.
Don't
- Be Disappointed. If you find that the person of your dreams
turns out to be just a good pal or just someone you want
to write to occasionally, that's okay. Despite the stories
in the media, there are plenty of online romances that work
out just fine - but they never get the spotlight.
Going
into an online relationship takes a certain amount of brutal
honesty on both sides - lying and deceiving won't work when
you step off the plane or the bus and she sees the real
person and discovers that you weren't exactly telling the
entire truth. Be truthful and you're more likely to find
the right person online than not.
And if you're not interested in a permanent relationship,
still consider the tips above
playing it safe never got anyone killed, now did it?
