By Dyan Mason
"When
I finally came to terms with my
acceptance
and struggles with being gay,
my
journey had only just begun....
but
is it my journey or theirs?"
My
Journey
I
knew that I wanted to be with girls early on. I didn’t have
a name for it, never thought there should be a name for
it or even a thought that it wouldn’t be accepted, I was
only five. All that I knew was that I wanted to marry Shelly
Goodwin, my best friend.
Throughout
my childhood and early adulthood I was always attracted
to women. I thought every girl was.
Between
the ages of 5 and 10 I learned that I would never be able
to marry Shelly and that I wasn’t supposed to think like
that. Girls can only marry boys and somewhere in that time
I learned the word “gay” and all its stigmatisms. I was
taught that girls were not allowed to fall in love with
and marry girls, that being “gay” was not acceptable or
“normal”.
So
my little young mind was molded into the straight girl that
I became. Any attractions I had for girls I quickly put
away deep into my head and heart and most often I got rid
of them like shooting asteroids in a video game. That is…..
most often. Sometimes there would be a particular girl that
would get under my skin and I would allow myself my crush
as long as I was proving to myself that I was not gay by
being promiscuous with boys or flamboyantly having “boy
toys” on the side. Anyone and everyone thought I was boy
crazy, that I had many boyfriends and that I was a heartbreaker.
No one knew that I was really drowning my gayness.
I
did not exactly realize what I was doing. I thought I was
doing what everyone did.
It
would be a lie if I said I did not like the attention that
I got from boys and men. I loved the attention and eventually
I loved the sex with men. But when it came right down to
it I did not connect emotionally with men like I did women.
I told myself I did, I got married twice, had two children
and had I married a good man, I probably would have stayed
married for life. I probably would have never allowed myself
to open myself up to who I naturally am.
Either
way, I had completely dysfunctional relationships and marriages
with men; fighting, their drug addictions, being physically
abused, having my belongings and rent money stolen, oh yeah
and the affairs. I could write a Lifetime Movie Channel
screenplay about how awful my relationships with men were
that would be grossly agonizing and entertaining. There
was always something awful I had to fix in the men and I
am not your “stand by your man” kind of girl. I always knew
deep down that it wouldn’t work.
I
also knew down deep that I was just more emotionally connected
to women. I decided I would be alone. That would be the
easiest. But my attractions to women kept coming up and
any time a lesbian movie would come on TV or video I rushed
to watch. Perhaps I am not such a freak. Perhaps other women
have been where I am. My inner turmoil was overwhelming
and it got to a point that it consumed me and I finally
could not keep it under control anymore. I had an affair
with the only person who had stuck by me the whole time,
loving me from afar, picking me up and rescuing me every
time I needed anything. Only thing is, it was a girl. She
was my best friend and while I wasn’t initially attracted
to her per se, I knew she always loved me and I loved that
love.
It
was there, I knew it and she knew it and here I was in my
early thirties and I finally let go of my control. I was
so relieved. It was over, I was done hiding, I was done
pretending and I emerged being very proud of myself, proud
of my happiness, my saneness and my healthiness. I had come
such a long way.
While
that relationship did not last, I had opened Pandora’s Box
and I was not about to let that door close. No Way !
So
off I embarked on my newly released lesbian lifestyle (complete
with fun flings) and I had a ball; dating, dancing and meeting
women both online and in clubs. I just had a great time
and had no plans on settling down. I was footloose and fancy
free, until I met Karen.
A
friend of mine had a rock and roll band that was playing
in a local club and I had heard that they were great. Their
lead guitarist was considered to be one of the best guitarists
in the State of California , and she is a woman, to boot!
So I was excited to see this band, I had no idea that I
was about to meet the woman whom I would be planning the
rest of my life with. That lead guitarist is Karen.
Everyone
is attracted to Karen and it is not hard to see why. She
is very beautiful. Tall, long blond hair and a terrific
smile, she is just gorgeous. And what more she is one of
the sweetest, most innocent people on the planet. She works
hard, she is responsible and guess what, and she loves me
so.
When
we started dating we had talked about taking it slow, but
that was next to impossible. It just wasn’t up to us. We
did not quite have that kind of control over our emotions
and our feelings. It was almost as if God had this plan
for us. I have never had anyone love me as completely and
truly as Karen.
Karen
cannot have children and she happily protects and accepts
my young son as if he were her own. She is very involved
in both my children’s lives and my sons school activities.
It is Karen that they go to when they need someone to talk
to, (sometimes to get advice about me). When I used to hear
women say, I would never leave my husband because of the
children, I never understood. Your children cannot be happy
that you are suffering in a relationship for their sakes.
But today I understand that. If Karen and I were to break
up, my children would without a doubt be devastated. It
would be something that would harden them, I know.
We
have been together going on three years and in my heart
of hearts I know this relationship just…. It works. It is
very strange for me. What….. No dysfunction? No horrible
issues? No ego’s involved? We just have a great relationship.
Everything we do, we do together as a team. There are no
fights. Our little disagreements are so small and unmeaning,
particularly compared to the chaotic dysfunctional relationships
that I had had with my two husbands. It took me awhile to
get over the shock and delight of having a strong good relationship.
Did I deserve this? What, I have nothing to fix or get over?
My
Next Journey
Perhaps
my experiences in relationships made me unprepared. I do
not think I ever thought I would have ever been blessed
with a relationship worth anything, a relationship that
was actually so good, so strong, so worth fighting for.
I feel so blessed, grateful and lucky.
I
had made my way and here I am. Here we are. Strong, good…..
healthy. My battles, I thought, are done. It is over. Now
we have only happiness and the rest of our lives. But guess
what? I hadn’t realized that while I had conquered
one journey another had just begun. A journey
that I would have to overcome, that isn’t as much about
me, but is about society. I did not realize that while I
have come to this point after all my trials and tribulations,
the rest of society has not.
This
is my life, my choice, my sex life and I have come a long
way to get to serenity and self discovery. I have made my
long path and suffered along the way by trying to be someone
I was not naturally supposed to be and now I have made it.
I have that perfect mate and we have the perfect kids and
house with the picket fence. It is ours. But it is still
not accepted in society.
Now,
I have judgment. Now I am gawked at when I want to give
my wife a kiss out in public. Now my car gets vandalized
when I have a rainbow sticker. Society wants to keep us
under the covers. Hide us as if we are an abomination. So
shockingly I go from total discord and unhappiness to complete
harmony and satisfaction and to my surprise, is that my
dysfunctional relationships with men had all the blessings
of the world while my delightful healthy relationship with
Karen has none. I was not prepared for that
.
I
thought, how ridiculous, this is my life, my journey. Not
yours. Not anyone else is society, who judge me and stare
at me while I hold Karen’s hand. Oh, I am not supposed to
hold her hand in public? I have come so far and I am so
perfectly functional and happy now, satisfied and complete.
And yet while I have finished my journey of acceptance of
who I am, I forgot….. they have not yet finished theirs.
I keep thinking, Wait! Hey! This is not about you. This
is not about you! I was not prepared for that
.
Unlike
my marriages, I have never for one second doubted that Karen
and I would be together for ever. I feel more married to
Karen than I have ever felt married in my life, yet I in
all honestly cannot legally call her my wife. I
was not prepared for that.
I
was not prepared to
have a preppy teenage girl at the local drug store checkout
stand shake her head at me and say out loud “gross, ew….
unnatural” when she read my LezBeOut.com T-shirt while she
was checking me out.
In
my struggles I had not realized that at the end of my journey,
where I finally found happiness that I would also be losing
my rights. I did not realize whole heartedly
that I would be losing my rights . Not only
could I not be legally permitted to marry my true soul mate,
but worse even, I also seemed to have lost my right to act
normally in public or to be treated normally by not only
society but by our family members, by my co-workers, employers
and friends.
So
here I am, while my completely horrifying dysfunctional
relationships with men were totally blessed and accepted….
my perfectly healthy and loving relationship with Karen
is just not. I could hold my mans hand in public without
gawks and stares, meanwhile he had just robbed my bank account
and is as high as a kite, but with Karen I have to pretend
to be only friends when we are out in public. Not because
I naturally feel that I shouldn’t, but because I do not
want to get hurt, ridiculed and taunted. I do not want my
car to be vandalized and my children to be teased. Not for
our sake with the exception of being hurt, but for theirs,
societies. I was not prepared for that .
Karen’s
family is very religious, they do like me but, while they
claim they accept her, they truly do not. They go back and
forth. They try and I have to give them credit for that.
When I go to her family gatherings I am introduced as a
friend of the family. Karen’s brothers wife (whom has had
at least four known extramarital affairs, but claims she
is a staunch Christian and thinks that Gays are sinners)
sits on Karen’s brothers lap. They kiss and hold hands,
yet out of respect for the family, Karen and I have to act
like friends. Unnaturally I might add. Karen’s parents are
fairly wealthy and after we did our domestic partnership
papers we decided to buy a house. Karen’s parents offered
to loan Karen money with interest, for our down payment,
but only on the condition that I am not on the loan. I
was not prepared for that.
At
work the girls all talk about their weekends and families,
my very lesbian boss asked me not to talk about mine. She
would wince and shake her head at me whenever I even started
to talk about my home life (not my sex life, but my home
life) while chatting at break time with my co workers. I
am very outgoing, I make friends everywhere I go and I love
people, but I could not talk about myself? The boss told
me that if I talked about myself, people might suspect she
is gay and she flatly did not want that. “Wait, this is
about me….. not about you”. I was not prepared
for that. For a while, I felt like a liar
and a fool, and eventually I did not do as she asked. It
just wasn’t natural for me to lie and be in a closet anymore.
When referring to Karen I did not call her my friend as
she asked me to (I would not disrespect Karen and our relationship
that way) but I called her my wife and the boss was mad
as hell. Almost cost me my job.
So,
I thought it was over but it has only just begun. I have
to be who I am. I am not naturally compelled to hide and
it hurts me to my core to be a fake. I was a fake for so
long, I do not want to ever go back there ever again. In
my lifetime I hope to see a day when we are all treated
equally with respect and we are considered as normal as
we really already are. It is their discrimination and judgment
that is the abomination.
Some
say it is about God. Anyone in my shoe’s, who has been down
the paths that I have and came to the awakening that I have,
would know in their heart of hearts, deep in their souls
that if there is a God, he completely and utterly blesses
me for exactly as who I am. I feel that God made me this
way for a reason. Because his message of love and kindness
has been so twisted and misused into control and manipulations
of the masses that he put people like me here to change
the world and make the masses accept that I am here and
that God does indeed not only love me but put me here. As
out gays, whether we want to be or not, we are teachers
and God is proud.
