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by
Liz Morrison
This summer
Bravo will premiere a gay dating reality show called ³Boy
Meets Boy². Structured similarly to ³The Bachelor², the show
will feature an unattached gay man and a pool of 15 potential
mates. Here¹s the twist some of these guys are actually
straight but their sexual orientation will be kept secret,
possibly even to the viewers.
If a straight guy is picked as the winner, he gets a cash
prize and likely a lot of ribbing from his straight cronies.
If the leading man¹s perfect mate turns out to be a gay man,
the leading man gets a cash prize and an all expense paid
vacation. Presumably, he¹ll invite his first choice to tag
along. No Harry Winston jewels for anyone this time.
OK, what does this all mean? Why are straight guys being thrown
into the mix? Are we not fabulous enough on our own?
It¹s hard for me to imagine a gay man courting a straight
guy and not figuring out within minutes that his potential
mate doesn¹t actually go to our church. In order to create
intrigue, the interlopers will likely blend right in since
they¹ll be dressed and coiffed by the network. And, of course,
these charlatans will be trying to act like friends of Dorothy
in order to win the money. Our gay bachelor may have to devise
clever ways to smoke out the imposters. His ³queerying² will
have to be sneaky and well thought out.
Since there are almost as many gay dads as there are fans
of Sponge Bob Square Pants, asking questions about parenthood
won¹t garner much useful information. Our guy will have to
dig deeper and think harder. He¹ll have to learn sports trivia
like Mike Piazza¹s batting average, Super Bowl records and
who¹s hot (no, not that kind of hot) on the NASCAR
circuit.
In order for him to get inside The Mind of a Straight Man
he¹ll need to memorize the Hooter¹s menu and learn the names
of domestic beers. Forget the gym, our bachelor will get his
exercise mowing his lawn and figuring out how to fix his lawnmower.
Using only Duck tape. And most important of all, he¹ll need
to understand what straight men find most annoying about women.
Once
he¹s done those things, our leading man should have no problem
weeding out the imposters and honing in on the real thing.
Now that we¹ve devised a plan for our hero, we need to work
on the show¹s name, which is so lame. ³Boy Meets Boy² just
doesn¹t quite tell the whole story. A better name might be
³Queen for a Day² or even ³Temptation Bi-Land.² And what happens,
horror of horrors, if our guy does pick a straight man as
his perfect match? Do we take away his toaster oven? Send
him to remedial gaydar classes?
I guess it just means that this guy has been answering ads
that read ³Straight-acting, straight-appearing top man into
ESPN, auto repair, Howard Stern and ZZ Top. Seeks similar
guy for marathon sports viewing, burgers and a cold six-pack
of Bud. No small dogs or opera lovers.²
If the networks want to create truly entertaining reality
television with gay participants then they ought to show us
in areas where we excel. For instance, how about an all lesbian
³Survivor² featuring 16 women marooned on a tropical island
for 40 days? Audiences would likely be riveted to their screens
watching tool-belt wielding women construct cabins made of
palm fronds while the Sapphic Martha wannabes create a 30-item
vegetarian menu using organically grown island plant life.
For additional entertainment, and ratings, there would be
at least one music festival.
Or maybe a gay male ³Trading Spaces² where a couple of guys
who favor animal prints and a whimsical Rococo style trade
domiciles with two bears whose den reflects their penchant
for rustic log cabin furnishings and lots of leather. The
fur will fly.
Or better yet, a lesbian ³Ex Files² where a group of exes
is forced to live together in one house and deal with their
issues. In the end, every person will have slept with everyone
else and a polyamorous friendship ensues, proving that if
two¹s company, twelve is better.
Reality TV is an opportunity for anyone, gorgeous or plain,
Mensa or dense, gay or straight to make an ass of themselves
in front of millions of TV viewers in order to gain his or
her coveted 15 minutes of fame. Frankly, I hope the day is
not too far off when reality TV becomes as obsolete as the
laugh track, and television programming relies on good writing
and talented actors to gain attention. And gay characters
on sitcoms will actually be allowed to date. OK, so can I
dream can¹t I?
In the meantime, when the leading man on ³Boy Meets Boy² starts
sniffing around his 15 suitors, I hope he figures out that
the hot, hunky guy wearing Brut is unlikely to own any Cher
CDs.
Liz
Morrison is a San Diego freelance writer.
©
Liz Morrison, All Rights Reserved
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