Can
we be friends with our Ex’s?
Wouldn't
life be a little sweeter if we could all just get along?
But when it comes to exes, bad blood too often taints the
mix.
The weird thing is, theoretically, you used to think this
woman was amazing! Even if you don't exactly miss being
her girlfriend, maybe you do miss her hilarious sense of
humor, her company, her lasagna and the ways she really
"gets" you as a person. Okay, so the party's over,
but does that mean you drop out of each other's lives forever?
Transitioning from breakup to buddies is a tall order. Even
with the best of intentions, it's not always possible to
bury the baggage, get past the fact that you are only friends
now and make a fresh start as pals. But if you're both up
for the challenge, the rewards can be great. After all,
you already know each other so well, whom else can give
you true advice based on experience? Who else knows you
so well that they can tell it like it is? And who else has
such a vested interest in your well being?
At
the end of the day, you may have a much sounder, more meaningful
and dedicated friendship then you ever had as lovers.
If you and your ex want to stay friends, make sure that
you:
Give it time. Changes of this magnitude
do not happen overnight. After a split, there will inevitably
be issues to resolve, lives to reconfigure, feet to be gotten
back on. It may even take a couple of years or more before
relating in a whole new way is really workable. Make sure
that you are taking better care of yourself in this time,
that you are going out and making friends and that you are
establishing yourself as a separate individual from your
ex.
Disconnect old buttons. Didn't it drive
you nuts, the way she always tailgated the car in front
of her, or gawked at other women? You know what? It's not
your problem anymore. Detach from old judgments and irritations
that bedeviled your former days as a couple. Remember the
bigger-picture, things you really like about her, and let
the picky stuff go. Those things probably wouldn’t bother
you if it were one of your other friends… so why on Earth
would it bother you now with her?
Dredge for grudges. If grudges lay buried
in your inner underground, employ grudge-removal techniques
forthwith. Whether your style is to sort it out in a journal,
with a therapist or by beating hand drums and burning sage,
do your homework and work it through. You can't expect to
have an honest friendship until you harbor no hard feelings.
They just do not matter anymore, it’s over, let them go.
Clarify boundaries. Are you absolutely
sure you're ready to be friends, and just friends? Is a
little tiny part of you secretly yearning to re-spark the
old flame, or have a roll in the hay for old times' sake?
If so, stop right there. It's not yet time to pursue a platonic
friendship if romantic intentions still reside within either
of you. Wish each other well, and proceed with establishing
your own separate lives until you are truly beyond it.
Jealousy. Nobody's expecting you to love
the one your ex is with now, but do respect their relationship
and be cordial, at least. She probably isn’t the devil and
the two of you obviously have some things in common, eventually
she may even become a close friend. Who else is going to
relate to the irritations she is about to go through? But
again, be respectful of their relationship and your friendship
to your ex.
Still,
a little jealousy can be a natural reaction, turning that
hip dinner for four suddenly unappetizingly cold and crusty.
Suck it up and be nice. Besides, she's the one who gets
to deal with those nasty driving habits and the bland lasagna.
Offer
the olive branch.
Accompany it with a slice of humble pie. Forgive yourself,
and her, for blunders and bygones. It's a delicate operation,
but with wisdom, patience, and care, you can welcome this
woman you once held most dear, back into your inner circle.
Like the old campfire song says, "Make new friends
and keep the old. One is silver and the other gold."
2/04
By
Keston Huntington
