By Keston Huntington
Ok,
so she had an affair, or perhaps you were the one who strayed.
Believe it or not, many relationships actually grow and
become more stable after an affair.
It
all depends on the fact that both partners want to make
their relationship work and are willing to forgive each
other.
Affairs
happen
Affairs
are one of the leading causes for break ups, straight or
gay. But let’s face it, statistics indicate that you or
your partner, are more likely to have an affair than a straight
couple. In the lesbian community affairs occur at a surprising
rate. Why is that?
Well,
where as straight men and women have best friends, comrades
and confidants of the same sex who they are not attracted
to, lesbians are almost always best friends with a potential
mate. It doesn’t make it any easier that many potential
friends see a great relationship, form crushes and do not
respect the gay relationship. You know who I am talking
about, the friend that wants a girl just like yours or thinks
that you have the perfect relationship and the perfect partner.
Beware of these lonely friends.
Perhaps
if we were allowed to legally marry our relationships would
be more respected within our own community.
There
are no winners when it comes to infidelity. It’s never completely
gratifying, very stressful and deceitful. Not to mention,
that it’s one of the most painful experiences that the jilted
partner will ever endure. And the unfaithful partner and
the lover almost always suffer from anxiety and guilt. Friends
and extended family are usually hurt as well when they may
be pitted against one or more of the triangle.
It
starts with an attraction. The majority of the time it is
with a person, whom is close or very familiar with the couple.
Someone they spend time with, perhaps work with, a friends
girlfriend, wife or a friend of the family.
Affairs
are new, risky, exciting and they are a fantasy. They are
an unrealistic illusion that there is this magical person
whom can solve all of our needs. The infatuation can bring
on euphoria which may seem magical for the moment, but newness
wears off and reality eventually will set in.
Communication
Understanding
how the affair happened is important in overcoming the affair.
Usually there is dissatisfaction
within the partnership that begins from the failure to meet
an emotional need. Communication is most often missing when
affairs occur.
Often
one or both partners begin to feel unimportant, unheard
or perhaps even bored and those needs seem to be met by
a new exciting source or friendship.
In
long term relationships, boredom can and will set in. Complacency
is a big problem. Perhaps, the lesbian bed death has kicked
in and there is an absence of intimacy. Or that sexy thing
that you fell in love with, may have gotten lazy in how
she dresses, gained significant weight or just isn’t attractive
to you any longer.
Sometimes,
a spouse will complain about an unmet need, and find their
complaint met with denial, defense and anger. When there
seems to be no hope for satisfaction, these women find themselves
particularly vulnerable to an affair. After all, she had
a chance to meet the need, but didn’t, so why not have an
affair? In many cases the partner is given no opportunity
to learn how to meet the unmet need. Sometimes, they may
have had no idea how the cheating partner felt.
Having
a new woman whom meets those emotional needs, pays attention,
listens and has desire is like an aphrodisiac and when there
are problems in the relationship it is a disaster.
How
they end
Affairs
seem to fall into one of three categories; one night
stands often resulting from drunken moments of
weakness and are loveless. Emotional friendships
that evolve into attraction and the feeling of
having emotional needs met outside the primary relationship.
With lesbians this is the hardest affair to overcome and
may result in the unfaithful partner completely leaving
the primary relationship. And lastly, a combination
of the two , where as the lover meets some of the
emotional needs, (perhaps sex or companionship), but not
all of them.
While
often affairs end quietly, keeping the affair a secret is
particularly hard in the lesbian community, as is keeping
close friends at bay. Someone spills the beans, friends
find out and women talk.
Often
when the affair ends, the jilted lover begins to feel used
and discloses the affair to the partner or their friends.
It can get ugly.
Signs
of an affair
In
order to maintain an ongoing affair the cheater must have
some sort of separate life. Late night meetings, get-to-gethers
with just the girls and frequent absence begins to occur.
Nothing
should be kept secret in a true partnership. If your partner
starts becoming secretive it is time to take a harder look.
No questions should be left unanswered.
In
order to have an affair, there has to be some line of communication
such as telephone, letters and e-mail. Her phone bill routinely
has suspicious phone #’s on it or she abruptly closes down
her computer screen when you walk into the room, perhaps
phone numbers are starting to accumulate in her jean pockets.
Expect
denial
Almost
everyone denies having an affair at first, even when confronted
with overwhelming proof. The cheating spouse may even become
emotionally abusive to their partner by calling them crazy,
getting angry and defensive, to throw the focus away from
themselves and back on the accuser. Often the partner wants
so badly to believe, they look past the obvious and feel
that they have unjustly accused their partner.
How
to overcome the affair
First
and foremost with complete honesty.
Most
often, affairs are revealed and it is important to open
the lines of communication if your desire if to keep your
partnership intact. In the past you may have failed, you
may have had closed eyes and ears, but now you have a chance
to fix it.
After
revealing an affair, the betrayed partner will no longer
have trust. But lack of trust does not ruin a partnership
and can be built again over time. It's the lack of care
and desire that ruins a partnership.
Now
more than ever, it is important to be honest and even more
important to listen.
Never
communicate or see the lover again
This
may be hard for our community in particular as the lover
may be closely knit into circles of friendships, but it
must be done.
The
partner having an affair is in no position to bargain, but
she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually
boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. The
unfaithful partner argues that the relationship was "only
sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual"
or some other peculiar description to prove that continued
contact with the lover would be okay.
It’s
not OK. It is not respectful to the betrayed partner, the
relationship, and shows lack of commitment to fix the relationship
on the part of the unfaithful partner.
In
order to save your relationship there must be no contact
with a former lover. Permanent separation not only helps
prevent a renewal of the affair, but it also allows time
for the betrayed partner to heal. Reconciliation is sure
to be very difficult if not impossible if contact with a
lover is continued.
You
now have the opportunity to fix what is wrong
After
time and healing it is time to get to work and fix your
relationship. Often after an affair, lesbian couples attempt
to rebuild their relationship with remarkable zeal. Granted,
there are scars, but the fact that the unfaithful partner
was willing to abandon the lover to save the relationship
is usually viewed as an appropriate first payment toward
just compensation.
Success
increases when the jilted partner makes the effort to resolve
her partners emotional needs. This is a two way street.
It
is important to ask for what you want. Tell your partner
exactly what you are missing and give them the realistic
opportunity to meet your needs.
Taking
responsibility for your actions
Regardless,
if you were the unfaithful partner or not, responsibility
is vital. This is time to give. If you truly wish to have
a successful relationship you must be a Giver. Takers do
not ever apologize. But they demand it of others.
Take
action
The
best course of action is to create the best relationship
possible is by learning how to meet each others emotional
needs. Don’t talk about getting a councilor and never go
through with it. Your local GLBT center will have a list
of councilors whom specialize in the gay community.
Do
not hold resentment
Often
the cheated on spouse uses resentment and the affair to
control and punish their spouse. It is used as a tool to
get an upper hand on the relationship. It’s ugly and is
a form of abuse.
The
couple should move on to rebuilding their relationship,
and not dwell on the mistakes. As much as the desire to
bring up the affair or about any other mistake made, remember
that every conversation on those subjects will take your
relationship a steps backwards.
Last
words
Believe
it or not, affairs do not necessarily result in the end
of a relationship. Overcoming an affair can bring both parties
closer together, knowing that they have conquered such a
painful experience with their love of each other is still
intact. It can actually save a drowning relationship and
force open lines of communication which can bring about
renewed faith and love. They key to success
is that both parties want it to work.
