Loving and Living with a

Borderline or Bipolar

It is common knowledge that women are more likely to suffer from mental disorders than men. So it makes sense that we, as lesbians, will likely have experience with mental illness. We may be in a relationship, have friends or may even suffer from a mental disorder ourselves. Believe it or not, it is very common.

There are many good books on Bipolar and BPD behavior. Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger’s book, Stop Walking on Eggshells, is a terrific resource for those whom are victimized by loved ones with mental illnesses. Most BP’s do not realize they have the illness or will not take responsibility for their actions. It is up to you how you want to react and live your life.

•  Does someone you love, suffer or is likely to suffer from BP?

•  Do you feel that anything that you say, no matter how simple it is,

will be twisted against you? You are put in no-win situations.

•  Do you find yourself concealing your feelings and thoughts to avoid a tirade?

•  Are you the focus of intense, irrational rages alternating with periods of love?

•  Do you feel manipulated or controlled by your loved ones moods?

•  Are you accused of things you never said or did?

•  Anger is expressed inappropriately and embarrass you

•  Do you feel as if you are viewed as all good or all bad?

•  Do you find that asking a simple question like “How are you doing?” sparks a tirade.

•  Are you constantly being put down and chastised?

•  Is the person denigrate and deny your opinions?

•  Do you have a hard time planning things, because of the other persons moodiness, impulsiveness or unpredictability?

•  Are you portrayed as the bad girl, the other is the victim and bully’s people around them to see them as the victim?

For anyone close to a borderline, life can be like walking on eggshells, tip toeing and caution at all times. It may be helpful to understand a person with BPD and how they think, but what is most important is taking care of your self first, even if that means leaving.

How do we deal with someone that we care about who has bipolar or is a borderline personality? One way is to understand how they think and feel.

How they think and behave.

Borderlines often have an overwhelming fear of abandonment, they push people away to see if they are really cared for, when abandonment is their biggest fear. They go through intense unstable relationships. Altering in extremes of good and bad. They also have inconsistent self-image or sense of self. Often more than not, they have impulsive behaviors, in sex, substance abuse, suicide, spending and eating disorders. Their moods change often from euphoria to depression within short periods of time. They have frequent displays of irrational or misdirected anger, have abnormal perceptions of what provoked them and rarely take responsibility for their actions. They are usually the aggressor; yet proclaim that they were victimized. They have difficulty maintaining close relationships.

At extremes, some bi-polars live in their own worlds and their own realities.

They may need to feel in control of other people because they feel so out of control themselves. They may try to give the impression that they are superior or even innocent in their behavior. They often project their behaviors on to others, to avoid their own shortcomings, “She is the one who was fighting and did all these bad things to me.”

Borderlines experience and hear things differently than most. While a simple question like “How’s the job?” may be completely innocent, a borderline might hear it as “Ha ha, you are a loser and can’t hold down a job.” Of course that is not what you meant, but to a BPD you are teasing them and exploiting insecurity.

So how do you take back your life?

First of all you are only responsible for yourself. There is not a great deal that you can do to change a BP’s behavior. You cannot make them seek treatment or admit they have a problem. It may be obvious to you and others that a BP needs help, but it may not be obvious to them.

Unfortunately, many borderlines only seek help when they have lost valuable relationships because of their behavior.

• Do not take the borderlines actions personally. As hard as it may sounds their actions are much more about themselves and how they feel about themselves than you.
• Understand how they hear things… and alternate interpretations. While you cannot and should not change your dialogue, understanding how a BP hears things may help you in your reactions. When you say, “I am so proud of my daughter, she is getting straight A’s”…. a BP may hear it as “Your children are stupid. I love my daughter more than you, I am not proud of you at all”.

Once you begin to understand that a mentally ill person will sometimes behave irrationally, you alleviate some of your own internal stress and can cope more effectively.

• Detach with love. You are not responsible for another person’s disease or recovery. It is neither kind or unkind, it simply allows you to separate yourself from adverse of another person’s behavior.
• Let go of your control and take back your life. You didn’t cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it, get off their back, get out of their way and get on with your own life to make yourself happy.

• Take responsibility in your own actions. While you may feel like a walked on doormat at the whim of the person in your life with BP, you have power over your own actions. And you can control your reactions to BP behavior.
• Consider how the relationship meets your needs. Certainly it is not all downhill, but if you find that you are not living your life to meet your own needs and the majority of time you spend being worried about a tirade, you may want to consider that future of your relationship.
• Recognize the extremes that come with the BP, things are usually extremely great or extremely bad.
• Stop trying to resolve your own childhood issues as well as theirs. Often, we become involved with persons whom share similar traits with our parents. Recognize this behavior.
• UNDERSTAND FULLY, THAT YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED BADLY. Being in an emotionally abusive relationship is not better than being in no relationship at all! Face your own issues about being needed.

Set Boundaries

Calmly and compassionately keep physical and emotional boundaries. BP’s often display a trait of control, it is fine for them to control themselves, but not you. Do not be manipulated by their bad behavior. It can even make things worse for the BP when you give in. Calmly, set limits to bring back order into your life.

Believe it or not, limits and boundaries also help the BP as by acting as a role model and giving them structure.

You have the right to be heard and be responded to with respect and courtesy

You have the right to emotional support and goodwill from others

You have the right to have your own point of view

You have the right to how you feel

You have the right to be free from excessive accusations, blame, criticism and judgments

You have the right to live free from emotional and physical abuse

Diffuse anger

Tricky and difficult.

When approaching a BP, try to use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. Generally you are on safe grounds when you describe your own emotions and motivations, and more likely to be effective with a BP. However, it is possible that a BP will hear “you” statements even when presented with an “I” statement, hold your ground and do not give up.

Stay focused. When is discussion with a BP, they may verbally attack or threaten or even change the subject. Ignore the attempts to distract you. Calmly continue to make your point.

Give empathy when appropriate and try to understand how they may feel particularly with how you understand they interpret things.

Don’t defend, stay simple and state the facts.

Do not counter attack

Do not withdraw

Ignore the emotional criticisms that are only meant to get your attention, while agreeing with the real meaning of their statement.

BP, “You put your nose in everything and control me”. Non-BP, “It’s true, I care about you”.

BP, “You are selfish and a terrible mother. Your children should be living with you, not their father.” Non-BP, “I can see that you have a strong opinion about custody, I have my opinion, too.”

Closing

Living with a BP is very challenging. If you learn how to deal with it by studying, you can make it easier on yourself. Stay strong.

BP is not easily treatable, but therapy has advanced greatly in the past few years.

Above all else, your first priority is to yourself and decisions must be made based on your own happiness and your future. Do not take on the guilt and burden if you are forced to make a decision to leave a BP. It’s hard, but it is not your fault.