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Misdirected
anger
Everything
she does irritates me!
You
sit in line at the DMV for three hours trying to renew your
license. When you finally get to the front of the line you
are told you are in the wrong line and are sent to the back
of another long line.
You
spend two hours packing for your trip only to get to your
destination to find out that you forgot one of your bags and
that you have only one shirt packed for your trip.
Your
boss has been on you all day and watching you like a hawk,
you have angry customers yelling at you and are stuck in traffic
for an hour trying to get home from work, which is normally
a fifteen minute drive.
To
top it off you come home and your partner has made a big mess
in the kitchen!
What
do you do about it? Well, you snap at her! That is what you
do.
The
problem is that you have legitimate anger and frustration
but no outlet for it. You misdirect it at your partner but
yet cannot possibly be comforted by her.
What
to do: Learn to express your emotions in the right place,
at the right time and toward the right person and especially
learn how to ask for comfort when you need it.
Here
is how it happens:
You
have a HOT issue and you can’t pass it back to the person
who sent it to you, so you pass it on to your partner.
Last
time that you yelled at the DMV clerk, you ended up in the
back of the line. The confrontation with your partner stands
in place of the confrontation you wanted to have with the
DMV clerk.
Displacement
means you have a lousy day at work, so you come home to kick
the dog or in this case pick on your partner.
What
do you do about it?
Seek
positive rather than negative.
Sometimes
we want attention or comfort so badly that we do not know
how about getting it. We behave badly. We want our partner
to miraculously make it go away, and when she can’t, we take
it out on her knowing that the attention that we will get
in return will most certainly be negative. But still we take
negative attention over no attention and therefore, have some
outlet for our frustration.
It
is simple: If you need attention, ask for it!
Ask
your partner for a hug
and some love.
Tell
her that you would like a minute of quite unwind time.
Tell
her that you need a little sympathy.
Ask
her to help you pick out a few new shirts for your trip.
Tell
her what your day has been like and ask if she will give you
a massage or get you a cup of tea.
Do
not tell her you need attention, but tell her exactly what
you need… do not make her guess, by being vague and saying
I need attention.
Learn
to accept your partners comforting.
Can
you let your partner take care of you? Some people find it
difficult. They feel that taking doesn’t matter as much as
giving and they are lousy at receiving comfort. However, in
a relationship you need to know how to take or you cut yourself
and you partner off from the vital aspect of balance in the
relationship.
Let
your partner soothe you and let her be the strong one for
a while. If you do not let her take over and help, you are
short changing her and yourself.
Make
sure you do not reject your partners’ attempt to comfort you.
Do
you unwittingly reject
caring behavior from others? Are you very picky on how your
partner takes care of you? They just aren’t doing what you
want them to do? So you go on resenting her even more, for
not doing it right?
Your
partner is not a mind reader. Accept that your partner will
offer imperfect comforting to you! She probably will NOT find
the perfect button to push to make you feel better. Do not
reject your partners because you feel cheated, frustrated
or mistreated by the world.
Gather
information
Ask
yourself a few questions to help you figure out what you really
want.
How
do you let your partner know what you need?
How
do you ask for comfort?
Does
she hear it and does she respond?
Do
you believe that there is enough love around you- is it scarce
or abundant?
Can
you join together to comfort each other against the world?
Do
you let your frustrations divide you?
Also
remember that yelling did not fix your problems and frustrations
when you were two years old, they sure won’t fix them now!
Explore
how and why you do not express your feelings where they need
to be directed and why you take them out on your partner.
How
did you get into this habit? Sometimes it can be traced back
to childhood. No parent can be attuned perfectly!
Maybe
today you can get comfort that you did not receive as a child
if you ask simply, politely and specifically for it.
Think
before you speak!
Sometimes the simplest advice
is the hardest to take. Count to fifty if you have to, but make
a simple, disciplined effort not to attack your partner when
the world feels unjust or because you are edgy.
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