Dr. Patti Britton's sex workshop
What
every lesbian needs to know!
Get
arroused
This
workshop is all about sexual arousal. Sexual arousal plays
a key role in promoting sexual satisfaction. Interestingly
enough, women experience an almost identical set of phases
of sexual activity, known as the sexual response cycle.
It is a regular route (like a set of tracks that your train
goes down every time) that you travel when you are expressing
your sexual energy, whether alone or with a partner. In
the early days of American sexual science, researchers Masters
and Johnson identified a four-part response cycle: excitement,
plateau, orgasm and resolution. Some years later noted therapist
Helen Singer Kaplan added another twist to the puzzle: desire.
And in the 1980s, the Institute for Advanced Study of Human
Sexuality, where I hold a faculty post, designed a more
elaborate way of describing what happens when humans are
turned on and being sexual.
The
revamped sexual response cycle works like this:
- It
begins with what's fondly known as vague stirring -- that
hiccup-like sensation of "mmm" that you feel when seeing
someone your find sexy or perhaps the stirrings that you
get when that sexy moment comes up on your favorite movie.
- It
then moves to desire, which is the realization accompanied
by warming sensations signaling that your sexual engine
is beginning to wake up.
- Then
you move to excitement, or the green-light time, when
all systems are go and the physical (physiological) signs
are present, such as engorgement of blood in the genitals,
lubrication, increased breathing and tender or erect nipples.
-
Next, you enter the plateau phase, when things are ripping
into full speed ahead and you may feel that you are
just about to reach orgasm.
-
This phase is followed by the orgasm -- the release
of tension and of blood engorgement, and the calming
of the electrical buildup for sex.
-
Finally, there is the resolution phase, when all systems
return to normal, things calm down and the body becomes
a limp dishrag (sound familiar?).
-
Just for the fun of it, we name the last phase of the
cycle "What's next?" to show that women really are insatiable
in their capacity for sexual pleasure and often are
ready for another round while their partner lies there
snoring.
In
this part of the lesson, we address the initial phase:
vague stirring (VS). Whether you are single or have
a partner, this is a wonderful time to get those stirrings
started. To better understand and become more aware
of this part of your sexual cycle, I suggest that you
head to your local video store and choose some movies
to kick-start your engines. You can watch them alone
or with a partner. Whether you rent passion-filled dramas
or adult sex films, the idea is to notice and trigger
those stirrings. I often recommend the movies by my
friend and colleague Candida Royalle, known for her
female-friendly, sensual and steamy sex films. Her latest
one, Eyes of Desire (parts 1 and 2), kept
my attention. She has a gift for bringing a female perspective
to her work, especially because she focuses on the story,
the romance and passion, and the foundation of real
relationships. If Candida's films arouse you so much
that you move right from VS to excitement (speeding
past desire), that's okay.
Keep
in mind that anything can trigger VS, so if movies don't
do it for you, try something else. Maybe, for you, this
feeling is brought on by watching a sexy athlete, listening
to a romantic song sung by an artist with a smooth, velvety
voice, or reading a love story. Whatever works for you,
I want you to experience vague stirrings. This is the subtlest
part of the sexual response cycle, but because it's the
wakeup phase, it's crucial. From this phase you can take
it or leave it -- you don't have to go any further.
Another
exercise I recommend to couples is this: Trade enticing
emails or old-fashioned (hand-delivered) letters to jump-start
the VS. If it makes you more comfortable, you can adopt
a persona and write from that name and personality to your
object of desire. By thinking about your partner or object
of desire with lustful words and by building the tension
of longing, you can activate the VS phase and fuel desire,
and thus begin to put fire back in your relationship if
it is lagging. The more alluring your emails, the more you
will get your fill later on. In other words, the sexier
your letters, the more aroused you will be and the more
likely it is that you will keep feeling aroused (and may
or may not reach orgasm). Don't worry about achieving total
sexual satisfaction this week; the focus is on waking up,
on triggering and noticing VS.
Stay
Aroused
Now,
we're going to focus on those parts of the Sexual Response
Cycle known as Desire and Excitement. This is when sexual
arousal kicks in on the physical level and your body becomes
interested in engaging in a sexual experience, either alone
or with a partner. During the Desire phase, you begin the
warm up -- literally. Blood, juices and heat start to flow.
In the Excitement phase, all of your physiological signs
are active. These may include: lubricated genitals, increased
body heat, swollen outer and inner lips, heightened genital
sensation, increased breathing and erect nipples. It is
this stage of the cylce that maintaining
your arousal becomes crucial, if you want to feel satisfied
sexually.
Arousal
is a personal thing. I am always amazed at the intricacies
of what turns a person on. Most women seem to thrive on
mouth-to-mouth kissing as a way to propel and sustain their
arousal during the Desire and Excitement phases. This makes
sense, because tongue-touching and deep, connective kissing
actually activates the physiological responses that trigger
the hormones and bodily activities to create an arousal
response. It follows, then, that if you learn how to kiss
and be kissed well, then the rest will follow. Be sure to
check out Lou Paget's Love Lesson, Kiss Your Way to Better
Sex . Also, a new video, Ancient Secrets of the Kama
Sutra, Using the ancient Persian lovemaking text and
the Kama Sutra of Vatsayama as its basis, the film illustrates
how to make love, from top to bottom and awakens your mind
to follow the lead of the couples on the screen and allows
your own arouse-ability to do its thing.
What else can you do to keep arousal flowing? When you are
in this phase of your arousal, how about adding an array
of touch objects to stimulate your body even further? I
recall teaching safer-sex workshops in the '80s and showing
a host of objects used for heightening sensation, including
everything from kitchen gadgets to cleaning instruments.
Just think of what you or your partner could do with a feather
duster (clean, please), satin pillowcase, velvet robe, scrub
brush (easy going), or a rubbery drain cover with bumps
(get creative). Put your objects in a special box or tote
bag under or next to your bed. When you want to feel more
excitement, have your lover use them, one at a time, to
caress your body to more ecstatic states of pleasure. By
changing the sensations on your skin, then later possibly
adding sexual devices such as dildos, vibrating eggs or
even experimenting with a paddle as a gentle spanking toy,
you will create augmented states of arousal during the Desire/Excitement
phase of your lovemaking experience. Be sure to offer the
same pleasure to your partner. I guarantee you both will
feel desire and excitement in ways you never dreamed.
Prolong
Your Pleasure
Let's
review the phases of the sexual response cycle for starters.
You do remember that there are seven phases that everybody
goes through sexually, from that awakening moment to the
finish line and beyond, don't you? They are vague stirring,
desire, excitement, plateau, orgasm, resolution, and what's
next?
Arousal
is perhaps the number one issue in keeping sex going. Being
and staying turned on is the stuff that poets write about
and the stuff that -- when it doesn't work -- brings women
running into sexologists' offices. "Help," they cry, "I
cant stay wet", "I can't get over the hump to
the big bang". Speaking
of big bang, if there is one phase of the cycle that hangs
women up, it's plateau, or pre-orgasm, that heightened state
of arousal just before orgasm occurs. The plateau phase
can send you into the flight of your fancies or keep you
hanging on the edge of a waterfall, panting and yearning
to go over the brink and enjoy the thrilling ride. And if
you're stuck, sex can be a burden rather than a pleasure.
Some
women do report to me, albeit in small numbers, that they
actually enjoy being hung up on the edge of their high arousal,
and never want to tumble down into the waters of the orgasmic
stage. Such women actually experience this phase as a sort
of trance-like state. I recall one female client who often
lost touch with reality and longed to stay there on that
woozy cloud of near ecstasy during her plateau, not wanting
to take the plunge with her parner into her orgasmic release,
much to her dismay (her partner felt that she was an inadequate
lover because she wasn't able to bring her to orgasm). When
they discovered that this was part of her sexual preference,
she learned to continue to produce pleasurable stimulation,
such as nipple licking and deep kissing, until she was ready
to climax with her. They created a secret phrase that she
would utter to signal that she was ready for her partner
to penetrate her, which strengthened not only her orgasms
but their intimate bond. Even if you aren't one of those
women who like to stay on the edge of orgasm for extended
periods of time or enjoy penetration, I encourage you to
try this secret-phrase ritual (combined with continued stimulation)
with your partner as an experiment to see if you can sustain
your arousal during your own plateau. This is a wonderful
way to elongate your pleasure.
If
you have a problem in staying aroused during your plateau,
try listening to sexy audio books. If you listen to them
while you're self-pleasuring or with a lover, you may find
that the heat of your arousal increases just by lending
an ear. You can also try reading some sexually oriented
books or the newest paperback version of Herotica. You may
want to have bedtime story time with your lover. By changing
your focus away from orgasm (and worrying about whether
you will or won't climax) and instead focusing on staying
tuned in to a steamy story, you may delight in the outcome.
For
this step, try the exercises I suggest and let surprise
be your guide on your trip to ultimate pleasure.
Relax -- and Reach the Big O!
Orgasm
is one of the mysteries of life. As the French put it, it's
that time when you experience "le petit mort," or the little
death. Yes, at the point of orgasm there is a moment when
you are in a state of suspended animation, neither here
nor there, just being and letting go.
If
there is one block that women report to me, it's their fear
of letting go or losing control. If that sounds like you,
you may squirm at the thought of being seen by your partner
in the throes of your orgasm. You may also feel a lack of
inner trust. Take a few moments before sex to tell your
partner about your fear of letting go. Set aside ten minutes,
equally divided so that you can talk while the other carefully
listens. You will find that this method allows you to safely
express your deepest thoughts and feelings to your beloved
and to listen to hers.
Often,
that expected moment of orgasmic release turns into an inability
to pop. In her new book Women's Sexualities , Carol
Ellison, Ph.D., writes that according to her extensive research
tracking the sexuality of 2,471 American women, 38 percent
have never had an orgasm and one out of four women had difficulty
reaching orgasm during partnered sex during the prior year.
So, if reaching an orgasm is not easy for you, you are in
a large circle shared by many women. One trick you can use
to keep aroused in the pre-orgasmic phase and move closer
toward climax is to increase sensation and stimulation.
Another
trick for reaching orgasm: Direct or indirect clitoral stimulation.
Did you know that most women require this for orgasm to
occur? OF COURSE WE DO! Ask your lover to use her mouth
or finger to rub on your clitoral area during penetration.
Many women I have coached who have difficulty with orgasm
find that a personal vibrator helps them to climax. Think
of it as a hefty power tool to be used on the outside for
reaching the ultimate peak!
One
of the best tricks for reaching orgasm is to avoid trying
to have one. Really! Try this: Put your purse down in front
of you on the floor. Now, try to pick it up. I said TRY.
Are you still trying? Yup, by TRYING you are NOT getting
the result you want. Now, stop trying and just allow yourself
to pick up the purse.
One
way to have the orgasm that you desire is to allow it to
happen on its own. I assure you that if you TRY to reach
orgasm, you are actually pushing it away. By refocusing
your own attention to a distracting, pleasant and positive
thought, such as great literature, steamy poetry, sensuous
music or even an appealing movie (such as the XXX ones from
www.adameve.com or the instructional erotica titles from
www.lovingsex.com), you can actually increase your chances
for orgasm. Now, r-e-l-a-x, feel the good sensations and
enjoy the bliss of it all.
