By LOU
CHIBBARO JR.
Lauren,
the domestic partner of a senior Navy enlisted
person, drove her partner to the California
port last November so she could embark on the
destroyer that would soon set sail for the Persian
Gulf and the expected war in Iraq.
Hundreds
of teary-eyed but enthusiastic spouses and family
members waived to their loved ones in the military
as the giant ship pulled away from the dock.
But "Lauren,"
a lesbian who asked to remain anonymous to protect
the identities of the couple, was not among
them. "I dropped her off that day," Lauren said.
"But I did not get out of the car. We said our
good-byes at home. It was for her safety --
of not being discovered."
Lauren's
partner is among the thousands of gays in the
military deployed to the war in Iraq, while
Lauren is among the partners left behind who
must conceal the true nature of their relationships.
Gays
deployed to Iraq and other locations in the
Persian Gulf region must endure the same fears
and family disruption associated with war as
their heterosexual counterparts, according to
officials with the Servicemembers Legal Defense
Network, a military watchdog group that assists
gay service members.
But unlike
their heterosexual compatriots, SLDN said, gay
service members and their same-sex spouses must
endure the added fear of being ensnared in the
military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy, which
calls for the immediate discharge of gay service
members who disclose their sexual orientation.
Although
gays can secure a discharge under the policy
whenever they wish by coming out of the closet,
few choose to do so, said Steve Ralls, SLDN's
communications director.
Ralls
and Kathy Wescott, an SLDN attorney, said the
organization is flooded with inquiries by gay
services members seeking advice on communicating
with loved ones at home without violating the
"Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy.
Partners
of gays in the military, meanwhile, discovered
that they do not qualify for a wide range of
military programs available to other service
members' families. Among them are spouse support
groups, emergency financial aid, and regularly
scheduled briefings on the status of the units
to which service members are deployed.
The Metropolitan
Community Churches, a Los Angeles-based network
of gay-supportive Christian denominational congregations
in cities throughout the United States, has
stepped in to provide some support services
to partners of gays in the military, said Rev.
Marty Luna-Wolfe, pastor of the New Life Metropolitan
Community Church of Hampton Roads, Va.
Rev. Candis Shultis, pastor of the Metropolitan
Community Church of D.C., said MCC DC will "fully
participate" in the support effort, providing
counseling and referrals to experts, such as
social workers and financial advisers, among
other services, to partners of D.C.-area gay
service members.
But Luna-Wolfe
said congregations like hers, which ministers
to gay service members stationed at the giant
Norfolk, Va., Naval base, don't have the resources
to match all of the services the military provides.
There
is little the church can do to alter the military's
rules on partner notification in which gay partners
of service members can only be classified as
ordinary friends on a special military list
of next of kin. The military uses that list
to contact the families of service members killed
or wounded in action.
"The
military will contact everybody on the list,"
said Heather, the partner of an Iraq-bound Army
reservist who was called into active duty last
month. "But it will take longer for those who
are not blood
 |
| Rev. Marty Luna-Wolfe, pastor
of New Life Metropolitan Church of Hampton
Roads, Va., said her church is one of the
MCC churches across the country that will
offer support services to partners of gay
service members deployed to the war in Iraq.
|
Heather,
26, who also asked to remain anonymous, has
lived with her partner outside Philadelphia
for more than eight years. The partner, 40,
is an officer who has been in the Army reserves
for more than 15 years and works full-time in
a professional field in civilian life
Heather
described how she learned that her partner's
Army reserve unit had been activated last month
and was being shipped out with less than two
weeks notice.
"One
day she came back from drill," Heather recalls.
"She just hugged me and would not let go. I
said, 'What happened?' She said, 'I'm going.'
So we had about a week to get our lives in order."
Heather
drove her partner to the airport, where the
partner flew on her own to join her unit at
a military base in the United States. The partner
expects her unit to be transported to the Persian
Gulf, most likely Kuwait, within a week or two,
Heather said. Military families are invited
to see their service member loved ones depart
for their overseas journey, but Heather isn't
sure if she wants to go.
"She
would like me to see her. We have to be careful
about our usual way of talking to each other
and touching each other," Heather said.
Like
Lauren, Heather said she doesn't want to compound
the stress and challenges her partner faces
in the coming weeks by coming out as lesbians.
"I'm at a loss," Heather said. I've been sending
her mail. I sort of take things day by day.
It's very hard."
Although
she doesn't think her letters are being monitored,
Heather said she tries her best not to write
anything that would cause problems for her partner.
"I try
to keep them general, like someone who just
cares about her, to make it sound like a family."
In doing this, she insisted, she is telling
the truth. "I'm including our pets, a dog and
four cats -- a dog who is not happy his mom
is gone."
Lauren,
whose partner's ship is in the Persian Gulf,
said the two consider themselves lucky because
e-mail communication so far has been readily
available, and the partner can sometimes call
her on the ship's satellite phone.
"Her
e-mail is monitored for security," Lauren said.
"So I set up an e-mail account without my name.
I never put my name anywhere on it. It's not
fool proof, but it's safer than using my regular
e-mail."
Within
the confines of her anonymous e-mail messages,
Lauren added, she feels free to express her
true feelings.
"We feel
we have to communicate with each other," she
said. "I tell her I love her and I miss her.
I tell her that all the time."
In describing
her partner's job on the destroyer, Lauren said,
"Her main duty is to sit at a console and watch
a radar screen," which "sees a picture" of the
surface and the air, including all ships, planes,
and missiles in the Gulf.
"If you
want to know if the Gulf is dangerous, it is,"
she said. "The entire Gulf is considered a combat
zone and a hot spot."
Luna-Wolfe
of the MCC Church in Hampton Roads said gay
service members and their partners have been
members of her congregation for years. She said
the sudden deployment of thousands of troops
in the Norfolk area, which is home to eight
separate military installations, placed a great
strain on military families, especially partners
and loved ones of gay service members.
"Like
any denomination, our military members are coming
to us for support," she said. "It's a place
for partners and loved ones to talk and cry.
It's a place where they know they're not alone."
Like
family members of all service members, Luna-Wolfe
said partners of gay troops engaged in combat
in Iraq have been glued to their televisions,
their emotions swinging from a sense of pride
and joy to fear and horror. The gay service
members, who mostly have adjusted to the task
of having to conceal their sexual orientation,
are sending back messages of confidence, she
said.
"When they get to a phone -- it's not very
often -- they always say, 'We're going to be
all right.' They say that all the time," Luna-Wolfe
said.
Heather
said the assistance that MCC churches plan to
offer is sorely needed.
"The
one thing I would like people to know is we
are so disconnected," she said. "I have been
left out of the loop of families of service
members. Ã ‰ I don't have access to any of this."
