By Keston Huntington

On the eve of our civil rights movement, and yes, regardless off what any group of people say, Gays are certainly in the midst of a civil rights movement, why is it that so many long term lesbian couples can’t quite make the grade? Take their relationships all the way and not walk away from their partners?

 

We pack up our U-Hauls, we immediately make commitments, we WOULD rush to the alter - if we could, we get furious over our rights being denied, but when it comes to fidelity and staying together so many long term lesbian relationships fail.

 

One day we are telling loving stories to our friends about how we met, we are buying a house together, giving each other love notes, we are at the fertility clinic and the very next week some of us may be living with a brand new lover. It’s common in our community.

 

Some say, it is in the heterosexual community as well, but beg to argue that while yes, there is always infidelity and relationship destruction in all types of committed relationships, I myself know more straight couples than gay couples, and yet in the past year have had at least three gay coupled friends break off their relationships and not one of my straight coupled friends have gone such a drastic turn around.

 

Of course there are always exceptions. And of course we all know lesbian couples whom HAVE stuck it together and whom have stayed together through thick and thin…. Whom have been together for twenty, thirty and perhaps even fifty years, but how many long term lesbian couples (long term being four years or more) have left there relationships at the drop of a hat? At the bat of an eye? At the slightest hint of boredom, or delusional grandeur?

 

It seems to be very common for long term otherwise loving lesbian relationships to end abruptly with infidelity or within the brink of infidelity, without any attempt to save the relationship? I personally know of NO long term lesbian relationship that has lasted the time, I have heard of them, hope to be one and read about them but know of not one first hand. But in the contrary in the past year alone I personally know of three long term lesbian couples whom I was given the impression were very strong, very lasting relationships that I was shocked and amazed to find had ended abruptly. Here one minute, gone the next. Even to the shock that I thought I was having a joke played on me.

 

Its been honestly and accurately portrayed on Showtime’s original series depicting the lives of every day lesbians on The L-Word, it has been the topic of our beloved icon Ellen Degeneres as she recently dumped her long term girlfriend Alexandra Hendrickson for a younger beautiful starlet, only weeks after declaring her undying love for Alex in an interview with Advocate Magazine and it is in our every day normal lesbian lives of our friends and cohorts.

 

Why is it? Is it that we can’t legally get married? Our relationships are easier to leave because we do not have the legal tie ups? Our relationships aren’t blessed by the average Christians God? Is it that all of our friends are potential lovers? Is it that there are rarely children involved? Is the lesbian bed death a sign? Do we become friends with our long term girlfriends and lose our passion? Is it a gay thing? How can our relationships be taken seriously when many of us do not respect them seriously?

 

I recently asked Jeanne Courtney, a licensed family and marriage therapist from the Feminist Therapy Associates in the San Francisco Bay Area for her input. Luckily she not only had thoughts on why our community deals with the failure of otherwise very strong relationships but she also had some great input on how we as a community can overcome and make our relationships last the test of time.

 

You asked for my thoughts on why so many long-term, seemingly committed and thriving lesbian relationships seem to end abruptly. I agree with the reason you were hinting at, i.e. (to put it in my own words) that living in a homophobic society makes it hard to take our relationships seriously and get the support we need to keep them healthy. We’re constantly inundated with the message that our relationships, and for that matter our lives, are doomed to fail. Even the most "out," politically aware women can internalize these messages unconsciously and continue to believe, on some level, that our relationships are neither valuable nor viable. Here are some of my ideas about how lesbians in committed relationships can fight this trend.

 

1) Treat your relationship like you expect it to last. This doesn’t mean you should try to stay together at all cost, tolerate a relationship that is abusive, or settle for one that clearly isn’t going to meet your needs. But try starting with the assumption that your problems CAN be worked out. If they really can’t, you’ll be proven wrong soon enough, and you can decide then what you need to do next.

 

2) Respect the boundaries around you. Don’t treat your relationship, or your friends’ relationships, as if commitments don’t really matter and every woman you’re attracted to is fair game. Talk to your partner and come to agreements – compromises, if necessary – about what you’re okay with in terms of flirting, non-monogamy, and close or even romantic friendships. Feelings of attraction or jealously are just that – feelings -- and it isn’t always possible, or necessary to control them. Actions, on the other hand are something we can each make responsible choices about.

 

3) Respect the boundaries between you. Give her space, honor her limits, and try to empathize with her feelings, even if you don’t agree with her reasons. A lack of healthy individual privacy in a relationship – including social, intellectual, physical, and emotional privacy – will paradoxically lead to unhealthy secrets and distrust. In the same way, too much togetherness ("merging") can lead to no togetherness at all. As lesbians in a homophobic society, it’s easy to slip into a "you and me against the world" attitude that can create a suffocating expectation that you and your partner have to meet all of each other’s needs.

 

4) Talk. Pretending a problem isn’t there just gives it more power over both of you. Don’t be afraid to bring up conflicts. Your partner may already sense that something is wrong. And if she doesn’t, breaking up with her is a pretty harsh way to let her know.

 

5) Rule out break-up threats as a tactic for winning leverage in an argument. If you are seriously thinking of leaving the relationship, bring it up when you’re not angry and there is time to have a calm, respectful discussion. Better yet, go to a therapist together to talk about what it would take to stay together, or how to minimize emotional damage if a break-up is inevitable. In a "fair fight," only the specific, current problem is discussed (no unresolved past issues or kitchen sinks), each person uses "I feel" (not "I think") statements as much as possible, and there is an effort on both sides to de-escalate the anger by avoiding name-calling, threats, yelling, interrupting, or physical intimidation. It can also help to use the "intentional dialogue" technique of feeding back your understanding of what your partner just said, without commenting or disagreeing.

 

6) Give a little, but don’t give too much. As women, we’re socialized to say yes a lot. You might say yes when you mean no, because you don’t want to hurt her feelings, or because you have a hidden agenda to receive something in return. If this keeps up in a long-term relationship, you might find yourself in a knot of co-dependent resentments that could take years to untangle. On the other hand, love is about giving. Get clear about your own needs, be assertive about what’s important to you, and try letting go of what isn’t.

 

7) Expect some disappointments. Yes, you heard right. Disappointment is a healthy, natural stage of any relationship that’s on its way to being long-term. In the beginning, it may seem as if you’ve finally found that ideal partner who once existed only in fantasy. Then, after a couple of years (maybe less), you lose that honeymoon feeling. All of a sudden she’s a real person with real problems, and you have to decide if you’re in or out. Some women mistake this stage of the relationship for failure, and/or mistake the thrill of some new attraction for true love. Thus the trend toward serial monogamy.

 

8) Get help sooner rather than later. Going to couples therapy as a last resort, to rescue a relationship you’re already feeling hopeless about, is a bit like signing up for swimming lessons while you’re falling off a boat. Homophobia contributes to this delay in seeking help in a couple of ways. First, some lesbians may feel they have to prove to the straight world that we’re all just fine, thank you, very much, and so deny having any problems. Second, with so many negative messages from society about our "sick" and "sinful" lifestyle, we may unconsciously believe our relationships aren’t worth saving.

 

But they are. Really.